4,5 months ago I had my long hair cut of and donated it to a charity foundation that makes wigs out of it for children that lost their hair due to cancer. It was an initiative from my sister to remember the death of our aunt one year before, who had lost her battle against this aweful disease. After giving it some thought I decided it was only the right thing to do.
Even though I wanted to shave my head straight away deep inside, i didnt since someone i love kindly requested me not to do so, for reasons not important. I respected that and decided to go for a normal haircut, searched for something I thought would fit my personality and had my hair cut that way.
Stupid if you look at it afterwards, since little over a month later it felt like that person started to slip away from my life. All I had to do in the end was to cut a very thin silk cord and the slipping had started. On the 5th of November, I shaved my head, i had the choice of going to a barbershop to have my hair cut or shave it myself. I decided to do it myself and must say ever since I have felt great. Even tonight again I have shaved it to keep it nice and short.
Some might think it was stupid of me not to do so straight away, since deep inside I knew I wanted that, so this special person to me would have had to respect it. Others might understand why I did that, might do something like that on a regular base, and might even have done the same.
Why is it that we sometimes loose ourselves, trying to be what others want us to be? Why do the people we care for most ask us to be something we are not?
Ever since I shaved my head, I started feeling more and more myself. It was me with the long hair when I looked in the mirror, it is me with the shaved hair when I look in the mirror, but I wasn’t myself for the 3 months when I had a haircut chosen because of others.
Now for me it is something simple like an haircut, but it’s amazing how we choose to do stuff for people we care for. People choose hobbies, studies and even careers to please others. They choose or don’t choose to smoke, drink or do drugs. Whether it is to make their parents proud, fit in with friends, try to impress someone or please someone they love.
It’s the end of 2011 and I am overthinking what I have gained from last year, and even tho the results of the autism test I had been waiting for for over 1,5yrs had a great impact on me. Have these results make me over think nearly every important aspect of my life so far, in an attempt to have my life make sense to me and had me redefine myself, it weren’t these results.
But most of all 2011 has become the year that it became clear to me that I should make my own choices at all costs. I might loose some friends, but more important then that is that I wont loose myself. Since at the end of the day, no matter who I spend my life with, I will only have myself to blame for the things I did or did not do.
Another thing which is important to me is that I asked my therapist, after I got the results that I am autistic, if I was ever able to love like people with normal empathic levels. I had been asked the same question a little before and I put me in doubt about my own ability to love. He told me that love comes in many forms and shapes and that every person had to find out for himself what love is. Now it might have taken some time for me to figure it out, but I have found my answer to that. To me love is the ability to take something for what it is, whether it is a person, an animal or a plant. Don’t try to change it, don’t try to influence it, just support it when you need to and enjoy watching it evolve. If you can just enjoy watching it evolve, with or without your support and without the need to get anything in return, I think you truly found love.
I wish you all a very merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, and truly hope 2012 will be filled with love for all of you, no matter what your definition of love is.
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