Some might think it was stupid of me not to do so straight away, since deep inside I knew I wanted that, so this special person to me would have had to respect it. Others might understand why I did that, might do something like that on a regular base, and might even have done the same.
Why is it that we sometimes loose ourselves, trying to be what others want us to be? Why do the people we care for most ask us to be something we are not?
Ever since I shaved my head, I started feeling more and more myself. It was me with the long hair when I looked in the mirror, it is me with the shaved hair when I look in the mirror, but I wasn’t myself for the 3 months when I had a haircut chosen because of others.
Now for me it is something simple like an haircut, but it’s amazing how we choose to do stuff for people we care for. People choose hobbies, studies and even careers to please others. They choose or don’t choose to smoke, drink or do drugs. Whether it is to make their parents proud, fit in with friends, try to impress someone or please someone they love.

It’s the end of 2011 and I am overthinking what I have gained from last year, and even tho the results of the autism test I had been waiting for for over 1,5yrs had a great impact on me. Have these results make me over think nearly every important aspect of my life so far, in an attempt to have my life make sense to me and had me redefine myself, it weren’t these results.
But most of all 2011 has become the year that it became clear to me that I should make my own choices at all costs. I might loose some friends, but more important then that is that I wont loose myself. Since at the end of the day, no matter who I spend my life with, I will only have myself to blame for the things I did or did not do.

Another thing which is important to me is that I asked my therapist, after I got the results that I am autistic, if I was ever able to love like people with normal empathic levels. I had been asked the same question a little before and I put me in doubt about my own ability to love. He told me that love comes in many forms and shapes and that every person had to find out for himself what love is. Now it might have taken some time for me to figure it out, but I have found my answer to that. To me love is the ability to take something for what it is, whether it is a person, an animal or a plant. Don’t try to change it, don’t try to influence it, just support it when you need to and enjoy watching it evolve. If you can just enjoy watching it evolve, with or without your support and without the need to get anything in return, I think you truly found love.

I wish you all a very merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, and truly hope 2012 will be filled with love for all of you, no matter what your definition of love is.

You have been around the western world for a couple of weeks now, starting to spread the Christmas feeling.
Even though I haven’t seen you yet, I have seen the effects of that feeling.
Houses are being decorated with nice lights, inside Christmas trees are standing proud with lights balls and little angels.
People out on the street are slowly becoming kinder in bigger numbers, even towards strangers, sometimes just by saying “hello”.

Now in less then a week this Christmas feeling will get to it’s ultimate peak, where people will be celebrating Christmas together.
I know from previous years that people will wish each other a Merry Christmas, no matter if they know each other.
They will be chatting, laughing and singing together, they will be more generous towards each other and feel good to see the joy it brings.
And then on Christmas eve, they will be dining and drinking together with friends and family, knowing that feeling is really worthwhile having.

It is on that day that I can look at the world and really feel happy.
Not because I have gotten gifts or am with the people I care for, but on that day, I can see the world for what I believe it can be.
Kind and generous towards every human being.
And yes, there might be a small exception. Even on that beautiful day, but isn’t it great that we can call it an exception that very day.

Now when Christmas is over and you are on your way back to the north pole to see Mrs Santa and all of your elves again, the exceptions start to grow.
And even tho it might take a week orso, soon the exceptions have grown back to be the standard of western society.
People stop chatting together and soon wont show any understanding, the generosity they had during Christmas soon becomes greed again.
The laughing and singing soon diminishes to be something for kids and the joyfull feeling will disappear.

So dear Santa, this year I would kindly request you not to leave after Christmas.
I would like to ask you to stay here and remind the western world of that very feeling they had during Christmas.
Maybe then instead of trying to make more profit; banks and companies will try to make a better world.
They have seen the power of generosity during Christmas, yet they fail to apply it the rest of the year.

So could you stay and remind them to turn their greedy bonuses into jobs for people is a very generous act.
And that people getting jobs, being able to take care of their families, will be thankful and happy.
Could you stay and remind people of the western world to remain friendly to people out on the street, even the strangers.
So less people will feel lonely in this world and less people will detach from society.

But most of all Santa, could you stay for the charities of this world.
It is no secret that during your time in the western world, more money is being donated to charity.
We still have so many challenges like hunger and sickness.
So those charities could really use the donations.

So if you cant stay Santa, for whatever reason. Could you then give people some hope & faith this Christmas under their tree
Could you put some a dose of kindness and generosity in their food and drinks, that will last till you return.
Since I really like you, big ol’ funny dressed man, but I would like to see the western world doesn’t need you anymore.
That above all, would be my wish for this Christmas.

Thank you in advance Santa.